How To Handle Overly Confident And Combative Colleagues
What to do when you need something from a coworker who is overly confident, defensive, or simply hostile towards working with you.
Client: I am working with a colleague on an adjacent team with whom I need to collaborate. However, whenever I make a suggestion, he dismisses or ignores my input. When I try to present another option in a group, he becomes combative. How do I manage this person?
When I was at Instagram, I worked with many amazing PMs. However, once in a while, I would encounter a Product or Engineering leader who was overtly hostile. They did not want to hear my ideas on how we could work together towards a shared goal. If I tried to talk to anyone on their team, they got protective and angry. If I proposed a different option in a meeting, they got defensive and combative. They were often loud and overly confident, focusing their attention on getting on the good side of senior leadership.
Working with this type of coworker is draining, mentally and emotionally. However, they are able to behave this way because they are in the good graces of senior leadership. This makes collaboration with them an unfortunate necessity. Here are some ways to tackle this situation.
Sidestep and Redirect
Colleagues who are overly confident often dominate the room in group meetings and loudly proclaim their opinions as facts. One tactic to manage this is to lean into and redirect this energy rather than go against it. This throws them off balance and allows you to be heard.
This idea of using their momentum against them is popular in martial arts. In Judo and Aikido, an attacker who is fully committed to a direction can be momentarily off-balance when you move with that direction rather than against it. In Sumo, a lighter wrestler can use a heavier opponent's charging momentum against them by sidestepping at a critical moment, causing the opponent to lurch forward and out of the ring.
Tactically, doing this involves three simple steps:
Ground yourself with some deep breaths. We are often filled with annoyance and frustration with these types of comments, and this should not show in your tone when you speak.
Follow up on their comment and reframe it: Rather than ignoring or invalidating their comment, counterintuitively build on top. Use sentence structures like
“That’s a great idea for the future. And in the short term [insert your idea].”
“That’s an inspiring vision. Tactically, we should consider [insert your idea] in the short term.”
“Those are good options. Building on it, here’s another…”
Rinse and repeat: Every time to bring up their overly confident proposal, view it as a chance to add to it your proposal or viewpoint. Be consistent. It’s okay if it’s not taken up the first time. Keep trying.
By not putting up a defense, you are sidestepping a battle of influence and ego. Instead, you are using their ability to interrupt and gain attention to get yourself heard. And by proposing a truly more practical idea consistently in the framing of building on top, you’ll see conversations shift over time and get the credit for collaboration.
Reframe And Add
This second strategy involves anchoring in the subjective, not objective, and opening up possibilities. We want to avoid arguing who is right or wrong, or what the facts are. These logic-based debates sound like this:
“Based on the data, this is the right approach.”
“We should do this because xyz.”
“No, you are wrong. We saw this in the data. And therefore…”
These types of phrases trigger defensiveness quickly. Both parties anchor their arguments in logic and data, and each is now invested in proving the other person wrong.
To reframe this conversation, use language that is subjective and anchored in beliefs.
“That’s very possible. What I’ve seen in past situations like this is…”
“It’s interesting you believe that. I believe…”
“Yes, that’s one way to approach it. What do we think of this other option…”
This strategy does a few things simultaneously. First, it reframes their comment as a subjective opinion, not a fact. Second, it frames it as one of many possibilities, giving you room to add your proposal. Finally, by putting their option in a positive frame, you also anchor your follow-up in a similarly positive backdrop.
To use these strategies effectively, practice, practice, practice. Reflect on a past situation where you had a combative debate, and take your time in reframing or redirecting. Write down your reframed response. Then say those words out loud. This individual practice will help you remember the words when a similar situation arises the next time.
That’s all folks! See you next week at 3:14 pm.
Yue
Yue’s Coaching Corner
I’m in the process of revamping my AI Leadership Accelerator into an AI-oriented leadership program that prepares mid-level leaders for the AI age. While the foundations stay the same (influence, relationships, storytelling), I’ll be adding conversations on developing taste and jugement, handling change management, and how to rethink org structures.
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Of course, the right answer is to dig in, find out why your ideas are rejected. This takes diving deep and technical chops. Sadly many managers think Martial Arts are the way because they have no clue about what they are doing. Often just getting in way of productive people who have senior leadership respect. And they are jealous of the respect. It's a newer phenomenon and local to certain groups.